My Fellow Americans,

I have good news to report. After five years of tough fighting by brave Americans, we have the insurgents right where we want them. They’re in Iraq, contained. The country is surrounded.

But Al Queda are crafty little freedom hating devils. They’ve disguised themselves as civilians.

So we have a saying in Texas, “If you can’t kill one, you kill them all.”

Now is not the time to give up. We can win. We just have to stay the course, be strong, and continue to fight. Because if you’re not number one, then you’re last. And we can’t be last. Ricky Bobby never finishes last and neither does America.

That’s why I’m pleased to announce that the American government has aquirred Wayne Enterprises and we’re currently working on a top secret plan to flood the water supply with deadly toxins and then we’re going to use a Microwave emitter to vaporize the water supply, and make all the Iraqi’s go crazy. If it worked in Gotham City it can work in Iraq.

In the mean I’d like every American to send me their left over fireworks. I love fireworks. Especially those cherry bombs. They’re my favorite.

Your Commander in Chief,

George W.

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