D Cups are the New A’s
Apparently the human large and small intestines don’t stretch out to reach 27 miles. They only stretch ten times your height. I know this because I just bought a new computer. And the first thing I researched was the exact length of the intestines. The second thing I did was look for porn.
I bought a new MacBook Pro. This is my first Mac. Well, actually it’s my second if you count the one I bought a week before my bicycle accident, but then I got so hopped up on vicodins and oxycontin after the accident, that I wound up leaving it in a New York City taxi. So, I like to think that doesn’t count.
Looking at porn on the Mac is like having breasts pop through the screen and smack you in the face.
I don’t know if it’s the resolution, the pixels, the lighting, but I’ve never seen breasts this big. I click one link after another, and every girl I see has monster tits. I can’t believe it.
Apparently, my old Dell was like living in the PC Stone Age of porn. And now that I’ve been led out of the cave and into the light all I want are girls with monster truck breasts. And I don’t even like monster truck breasts.
Sure they might be fun to look at, even play with, but then I think of my old Russian grandmother whose breasts hung down bellow her stomach, sagging and shaking in her blue wool sweater, and me afraid, awkward, and disgusted by the strange mix of emotions I had as an eight year old, every time she made me hug her.
I don’t want to marry a girl whose going to have tits for a second stomach. I don’t want my grandchildren to experience the same awkward disgust I felt.
But I’m being brainwashed, corrupted by the Internet into believing I do.
Which is why, I need all those flat chested girls who thought that the water bra was the greatest invention of the twentieth century, to resist the trend of bigger is better, and stay the way you are. You’re perfect.
Big fake tits, is not what men really want.
But we’re weak.
And easily fooled.
