Britney, She’s Smarter Than We Think.
Remember when right wing conservatives propped Britney Spears on their christian pedestal as a moral role model for kids today? Boy they got that one wrong.
Sure, Britney’s told a couple of white lies. She didn’t really lose her virginity to Justin, she has a small drug problem, and she only sometimes lip sinks.
But maybe I’ve underestimated her. Maybe she’s not just the white trash, non-panty wearing, washed-up pop star I always thought she was. Maybe she’s actually — dare I even say it– smart?
I mean just think about it. The courts won’t ler her near her other children because she drinks, blows coke, and thinks red lights apply to everyone but her. So what does she do? She goes out and gets knocked up by some other, “I want a piece of Britney” scum bag.
I know that this sounds crazy, but it just might be that little Brit has discovered a legal loophole. She lost custody of her last two children, so why fight it out? It’s not worth it. They’re just kids. It’s not like she actually knew them.
But if she has a new child, with some other guy, that she doesn’t marry, then who will take away the newborn? The State of California? I don’t think so.
Open up any celebrity tabloid and you’re bound to find that yet another young star has gone and had themselves another car accident this week. Like most people, I always attributed these frequent “accidents” to late nights, drugs, over zealous paparazzi, and a gang of scantily clad heiresses cackling in the back seat (those constant “fire crotch” rants must be terribly distracting). It wasn’t until I recently payed a visit to my optometrist that I learned the truth behind these accidents.
It was time for me to get my eyes checked, and I learned that I would be needing a new prescription. I was also informed that my insurance would cover a new set of frames. I combed through the hundreds of glasses trying to find that “perfect pair” when I stumbled across a pair of $410 Dior frames. The flattered my face perfectly, and were a huge upgrade from my previous, extremely dorky pair. I was so happy with the way they looked that I even wore them to a party the next night and was met with one compliment after another. The next day, however, I would learn how “dangerously” trendy they actually were.
As I made my way across town the following afternoon to meet a friend for lunch, I found myself making one mistake after another. By the time I’d made it to the parking lot I’d cut off several people, almost come over on another, and been flipped the bird numerous times. While I backed into a parking spot, with my head slightly turned to see out the rear window, I was once again shot the finger by a pedestrian who I had almost hit.
“What’s wrong with me?” I thought. “How could I have not seen him?” A light went off in my head. Earlier, on my way to the restaurant, I had written off my bad driving as exhaustion from the previous night. Now, however, I realized what the actual problem was… the glasses! The thick, over sized, trendy frames were completely impeding my peripheral vision! No wonder my driving that day had been so poor; I was wearing a frickin’ blind spot!
You’ve seen the photos of all those celeb car wrecks. What are they always wearing? HUGE, trendy, glasses of course! Alright, so the drugs and lack of food probably still have something to do with it, but the overly trendy glasses sure as hell don’t help!
I have since traded in the death glasses for a more practical, yet still attractive, pair. My advice to all you young Hollywood starlets out there is to do the same… that is, once you’re out of rehab and able to procure a license again.