I’m going to buy a gun, gold, and as many cases of canned food that I can fit into my one bedroom apartment. It’s the end of the world. The financial markets have collapsed. Bear Sterns is dead. Lehman is gone. WaMu is going under. Nothing is safe.

Take a breath. Breathe. That’s it. Deep breath.

It’s going to be okay. Everything is going to be fine.

We created the iphone. Everybody wants an iphone. I love my iphone. I can watch Iron Man on it. Who doesn’t want to watch Iron Man on their phone? It’s the number one movie overseas. We created it. We also invented Microsoft Word and the Big Mac. They’re drinking Starbucks in Russia. They wear Nikes in Kenya. And the Japanese can’t get enough of Justin Timberlake.

It’s going to be okay.

America will be fine.

There is no financial crisis.

There is no financial crisis.

Thank god we also invented Prozac.

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