Every woman wants a guy that is overweight, has a ping pong table in his bedroom, flosses once a year, wears the same underwear he wore in high school, and believes that his mother has great taste in clothing.

Of course, they’ll never admit that they prefer fat disgusting slobs. But it’s the truth. Women need a guy that lacks the basic ability to take care of himself because it gives them a project. It makes them feel like they have a purpose.

And who am I to take that away from them?

So I let my girlfriend take me shopping for jeans, clean out my car, wax my eyebrows, and give me manicures. And then a week later I make it a point not to shave, leave the toilet seat up, and pile trash back into my car because the truth is I love her, and I can’t let her think that there’s nothing else for her to do.

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